"Old Haunts"

Old Haunts By Jay Wolin
Drove through the old neighborhood today
Stopped by my old haunts
And they are haunted
With memories both good and bad
Memories of growth
Memories of pain
Memories of love
Memories of loss
I must remember
That is all they are
Just memories
That formed who I am
Today
It is good to see old friends
And see where their lives led
And see where my life led me from
And see where our lives are today
For better and worse
So busy going forward
I forget to look back
The past seems more distant
Like a dream I once dreamed
But it was all real
All the friends, foes, guides and interlopers
All the achievements, failures, adventures and missteps
All the wonder, struggle, joy and fear
I can’t put it behind me
I won’t put it behind me
I carry them all with me
Haunted by
What was
What could have been
What still could be.
And all I have is
What is
Today

Mindful Meandering at the Institute

I have been given a chance to see the impermanence of things and that the changing of life is possible. I feel I have seen a blip in the Matrix. I have walked these halls of the Innisbrook resort before. Then it was business and golf. Now it is with ministerial collegiality and learning. As I see the old white golf members with leathery skin sitting around drinking scotch and talking about their golf game and business deals,  I see the direction I was headed in life and the direction I once wanted in life. Now here I sit in this same place, same building but with different people and a different life. A life that might not have been. I have been given a chance to see a different me, one made possible by opening my heart. Everything is the same but me and the people I surround myself with. And that has made all the difference. Who can say what was right? Perhaps I should have just gone on to make a lot of money and donate it to my Congregation?  Who can say which would have helped more. So I let it go. We make our choices and we live with the consequences, both good and bad. In truth I was always terrible at golf and I don’t drink anymore. Now, I listen, learn, love and try to share what wisdom I have found/find in this world with others. It is a new fuller life, one that might not have been if not for Unitarian Universalism.

The Last Jedi – 8 out of 10 on the JWO Scale

I saw the movie last weekend. Coming out of the movie I loved it. I wanted to wait a few days to let it sink in, and after thinking about it more, I loved it even more. I rank it as the third best Star Wars Movie. (Empire Strikes Back #1 because of a sentimentality for Yoda, and Rogue One #2 because it actually was the best of the movies)  The movie had it’s obligatory Star Wars moments. A bar scene (casino in this one) with many different alien species. Cute little creatures (porgs in this case) that will become big holiday gift sales. and instead of just a whiney Luke, we have an old whiny grumpy Luke. And although I found Luke’s new found humor funny, I sort of felt it was just put in to have funny lines in the movies. It didn’t seem to be in his character at all based on previous movies. I could rationalize that with the fact that through his suffering he now found life as absurd.

With that out of the way, I thought the movie raised some very interesting and theological and political questions. Do we learn wisdom from books or do we learn it from our direct experiences. This question has been asked throughout history going as far back to the Hebrew Scriptures Book of Job. It raises the issue of letting go of the past and moving forward. Much like the Buddhist saying “If you meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill the Buddha.” To me this statement means we must find enlightenment by ourselves, and not just take the word of the ancient religious leaders. Must we destroy the past to move forward? Or can we incorporate what we know from the past and  infuse it with current knowledge to create something new. Every Fundamentalist and Reformer religious leader deals with this question.  I think the movie also as has previous star wars movies raises the question of redemption. Is everyone redeemable? In previous movies Luke believed Darth Vadar was redeemable. In the end he was redeemed, but after countless, countless murders and only while he was dieing, in order to save his son. Is Kylo Ren redeemable? Even after killing his father? This series constantly asks that question.

I think the most poignant part of the movie is the question as to whether leaders and heroes are chosen/born, part of a priestly class,  or are they created by the circumstances of their life. Can anyone be a hero/leader? Are leaders supposed to come from one family line as if ordained, like so many religions, kings and rulers throughout history proclaimed.  I admit I never really liked the Midichlorian storyline that only a special few and their offspring were especially strong with the force. Previous star wars movies showed the diversity of the Jedi, so it is unclear as to how those two concepts (diversity and choosiness) go together  in episodes 1-3.  I tended to like Yoda’s teaching that the force is there for anyone to tap into if they become awake to its power and presence and practice using it. This movie’s story line focuses on this latter teaching.

This movie again shows us the folly of hubris, from both good and evil. It also speaks to the question of balance. If there is a Jedi there is an equal dark side and vice versa. I am not sure I agree with this. We have seen throughout history the unchecked power of evil and violence has not always led to the rise of the good. In fact one of the question that is still left open is why after Vadar and the emperor were killed did the republic not come back into existence. Where did Snope come from?

From a political (and maybe religious) front the movie asks the question we ask in our political lives. Is aggressiveness and/or sacrificing oneself, the best course of action, or is a calculated retreat necessary at times? I guess one other sticking point for me, is that the movie continues a line of thought that I hear a lot in the ether about our fetish and idealization of failure as a teacher. Failure is failure. Failure is only a teacher if you use the information you learned from failure to be successful in the future. Failure for failure’s sake is meaningless. Yes we should not fear failure, but we should takes steps to mitigate it. Jedi’s hubris led to them failing to recognize the Sith taking power. Clearly defeating the empire still led to failure and ongoing retreat for the resistance. Luke Skywalker hubris, being the strongest Jedi, and then his low self esteem, led him to failure and retreat from the world. I don’t know if the message is that Evil is stronger then good, or an overview about how Democrats struggle to be organized and don’t have staying power and about how the oppressed don’t join together to overthrow systemic injustice. Or perhaps the message of the movie was a view of our current society as encapsulated in the character of  the amoral codebreaker played by Benicio Del Toro, who had no allegiances and saw no difference between good and evil, and focused only self-preservation.

It was a fairly depressing movie in that sense, with a few hopeful notes thrown in here and there. However from seeing the negative, we can cull from it, what should be done. Perhaps if Luke had not given up, and instead of retreating had honed his powers and matured, perhaps he could have lifted up the resistance over the first order. It is a reminder for us to not give up and to be vigilant.  It is Rey, who is the great hero of this movie. Looking for the good in others and looking for meaning in her life as she says “I need someone to show me my place in all of this.” I think we all are looking to find purpose for our lives and meaning in the world. Rey epitomizes this, realizing her own power to change things for the better, and looking for the better in others and she constantly learns and grows. So not a simple or ra ra movie, but it gave me a lot to think about. I am curious where it will go from here. Lots of good questions and metaphors, and no easy answers. That is why I liked it so much. 

Book Review “Home” by Marilynne Robinson

This is a follow up book to the Pulitzer Prize winning Gilead about a rural Iowa Congregationalist Minister. My review of Gilead can be found here.
http://jwoworld.blogspot.com/2014/12/book-review-gilead.html

I liked the concept of this book. It’s story takes place at  the same time and with the same characters that are in Gilead, except it focuses on two different characters that were more minor characters in the Gilead Story. I felt like I already knew something about the characters and now this book goes into more depth.  It is the story of a sister and brother, one very dutiful, the other a reprobate (authors word). It discusses the return of both to their ancestral house. They are taking care of their ailing father who is a retired Presbyterian Minister. Both have their secrets, ulterior motives for being there, both have their personal failures, and both learn to live with them in different ways. The book is really the inner life of these two characters. It is a well written and like Gilead, at times a bit slow but easy read. From a theological perspectives It touches on salvation, forgiveness, predestination, redemption and how that plays out in our day to day lives. Do we find ourselves to have a role to play in the larger scheme of things and even if that does not bring us happiness does it bring us purpose? And is that good or bad.

In the end, it also speaks about the concept of what home is. Is it a physical place,  a touchstone for the history of who we are and how we became who we were. Or is it a state of mind, a place where we find our way. What are the touchstones of your lives? Why do we always look to escape the place from which we were raised?

“All of them call it home, but they never stay….Home, what kinder place could there be on earth and why did it seem to them all like exile….The soul finds its own home, if it ever has a home at all””

Overall I found it a very sad book. That is not good or bad, it is just how it left me. At the end, I was sad for the characters. It made me realize how often we are trapped in our own stories, and how we judge ourselves more harshly then others might. It also focuses on the beauty of the banality of simple kindnesses, but how often that can lead us to avoid our truth.
If you like to read about the inner lives of what drives people, and how they live within the dynamics of family and fitting in or not, it is a good But somber read.

Review of Born to Run – Autobiography of Bruce Springsteen

I recently finished this 500 or so page book. I knew before I even started it, I would love it. Springsteen’s music was formative for me growing up and his concerts are moving and electrifying and he rightfully calls them revivals. In one way, I was curious about the man whose music affected me. I was also curious how much of my perception would be different then what he writes about himself.  Although I can nitpick here and there, the book is a well written book. That shouldn’t surprise anyone. Springsteen is a great writer of songs which tell stories. The book is at times a series of vignettes that seem like Flannery O’conner short stories. He looks back on his life adding flourishing descriptors and with a psychological perspective trying to make sense of it all. I appreciated the stories of the struggle of his upbringing on the Jersey Shore, his persistence of breaking into music, his struggle to get the “right sound”, his struggle with the business side of the music industry, his struggles with relationships  and how he dealt with stardom. He goes into depth about his relationship with his Family, especially his father and how that was formative for him.  I also Shamelessly admit (although there was not much about it,) I enjoyed that he did write briefly about his first marriage and why it failed. (my perception was wrong about this)  Another important topic that he touched on was his battle with depression and his seeking help for it. Although he has mentioned it in interviews, he goes into a bit of depth about how it affected him. My nitpicking would be, he barely touched on the reason the E Street Band broke up. He alludes to a few things, but doesn’t go into depth about it. I imagine since they are back together he didn’t understandably want to open old wounds. It was interesting to see the development of his music from personal stories to a craft of songwriting. The second half of the book seemed to be a little rushed, but I imagine after page 400, he needed to start wrapping it up. Even if you are not a Bruce Springsteen fan, it is an easy and informative read about how and  what it takes to become and survive being a rock and roll star. My image of him has not been shaken. In fact as usual, his story and his writing inspire me.

The moral of the story is Know who you are and what you want, be authentic to who you are, be persistent and willing to sacrifice it all to maintain that authenticity, find people you can trust, and ask for help when you need it.

The End of the Road

Honestly we have been kicking the can down the road with North Korea since the Truman Presidency. Truman’s firing of General MacArthur who wanted to expand the war with China and some say wanted to use nuclear weapons was the first step in a line of Presidents who just didn’t want to provoke conflict with China and in later years feared actual retaliation from North Korea against our allies in the region. We have known they have been in pursuit of nuclear weapons since the Clinton Presidency. Each President since, both Democrat and Republican has at best slowed or delayed the inevitable. But we are near the end of the road of kicking the can. 

Or are we? I have to admit, after the Iraq debacle (both the intelligence prior to the war and the war planning dismantling their police), that has cost us trillions of dollars, thousand of lives and the creation of ISIS, I am skeptical about information I hear from intelligence sources. Now some people say to me, Jay why aren’t you skeptical about intelligence sources about Russia interfering in the election? The reason I am not, is that there seems at least to be corroborating evidence in that instance. The President during the campaign publicly asked for Russia’s help in hacking Hilary Clinton. Don Jr.’s meeting with the Russians, Flynn and Manafort taking money from Russians, and Don Jr. publicly stating that Russians are their bankers. Enough digression though. What would be the purpose of such a distortion of information to bring us to the brink of war? With our other wars slowing up, Is the military industrial complex looking for a new war?  Or is it the evangelicals who are trying to create an apocalypse to bring about the return of Jesus?  Possibly a mutual interest of the two combined. 

Clearly North Korea has been launching rockets though (I do believe half of what I see) so I assume even without nuclear weapons, they are rattling their Sabres. To what purpose though? What is their underlying motive? I sort of liken it to Amazon losing money year after year after year until they finally drove others out of business and now they are reaping large rewards. I could argue that capitalism in its roots leads towards destruction (such as book stores). But I don’t have time for such a digression. North Korea has been supposedly starving their people to build up their military. What do they hope to gain? I don’t know, and that is what perplexes me. They would gain significantly more financially by agreeing to not build weapons, then to build and use weapons. This is why I was thought our attack on Libya was so short sighted and self defeating. We promised Khadafi if he gave up his nuclear ambitions we would leave him in power. Then we reneged on that agreement. Why would North Korea (NK) trust us if we agreed to a similar deal. I thought about what if we just accept NK into the world to avoid war. If we do, the fear would be of course that they would build up their arsenal of weapons with increased money flowing into the country. Ideally they would have to accept ongoing monitoring. However they have shown no willingness to negotiate and no willingness to keep to previous agreements.  If NK brings these threats to fruition, it will certainly lead to their destruction. 

This brings me to China. China’s support is the reason that North Korea has been able to continue with this for so long. They must know that any conflict would adversely affect them and their economy (as well as the world economy). North Korea was a pawn for China, but now it seems the pawn has made to the other side of the board and is being exchanged for another piece that can cause real damage. Initially China’s motive was to place a wedge between them and Russia and the US on the peninsula. How would China react if we launched a Preemptive  attack against North Korea? Whose interest is that in? Maybe Russia’s interest. 

Which brings me to Trump. China has been in Trump’s crosshairs for a long time. Is he using this provocation as a way to ultimately hurt China and help Russia? If we are fighting China, Russia benefits. This also leads to questions about whether Trump is being manipulated by Russia.  Trump has used aggressive language towards North Korea. If I thought he was a strategic thinker I might say he is playing good cop/bad cop, as a way to bring them to the negotiating table and let them get their payday. Sadly though, based on his previous actions I don’t see Trump as a Strategic thinker.Perhaps NK will fear that Trump is truly unhinged and unpredictable and that will bring them to the table to negotiate. That is what Trump is counting on.  If NK drops a bomb somewhere, we would be forced to respond. We could not use nuclear weapons because of its effect on all the surrounding countries and fear of escalating nuclear war. We could respond militarily, without nuclear weapons,.  This will be hard and it will be devastating to the region and thus devastating to the world. So it comes down to whether China can have any control over NK. It is time for China to sacrifice its pawn NK. 

The game that started 70 some odd years ago it coming to an end. Let us hope it is not the end for us all. None of this really makes sense. Madmen to the left of me, Madmen to the right of me. Here I am, just trying to make the world a better place for all. I am not naïve about the evil in the world, But also not naïve about our own military industrial complex that spreads violence throughout the world. I am hopeful that calmer heads will prevail. 

We seem to not be bothered how many people will die if this escalates as long as it doesn’t touch our country. But it does affect our country in so many ways. We saw that on 9-11. We saw that in Charlotte, NC and in the streets of our cities. The ongoing cycle of hatred and violence affects us and seeps into our consciousness and becomes part of our culture. Violence has always been a part of the American Culture since its founding. How we treated the native American population, slavery, the “wild” west. The question is do we evolve as people and a nation or do we continue with destruction which will lead to our own self destruction. 

Our actions have consequences.  I just want us to think that there is always a third way. It does not have to be capitulation or destruction. I ask us to think about not just how to get out of this mess but how we got into it. When we avoid conflict, it usually just builds up. If by avoiding it, we can use the time to build better relationships, and to grow closer that would be worthwhile. But usually it just builds up until it explodes. There are ways to have conflict without violence. I know I have come to no conclusions. It is confusing because we really don’t know the facts about the situation. Just what we are being fed by the media. We try to piece it together, but we have only partial pictures and hazy visions. This is where the lack of trust in government wears us down. But who else do we have? For a start let us  put people in government we can trust. It is a myth to think we can control the outcome of what happens. A lot depends on China, a lot depends on North Korea. A lot depends on us. 

What are we going to do. What are you going to do. Do we wait until the bombs are falling on us to get engaged in political dialogue about we want to be as a nation. It will be too late then. We need to start talking now. We need to start taking positive actions now.  It is one reason why I do what I do. I am re-committing myself to build a justice seeking community that respects each others differences, that builds relationships and seeks to understand the underlying needs of each person. I hope it can be a model for the world. Please join me in working towards this end. 

The Leftovers – Some thoughts on the Series Finale

I finally caught up with the series finale of “The Leftovers” on HBO. I have enjoyed watching this show. It has been somewhat uneven in quality from episode to episode, (and sometimes it jarringly changes direction/plotlines) but overall I thought it was a thought provoking, creative and well-written show. The premise of the show is that 2% of the world’s population (randomly??) disappear suddenly. The three seasons speak to how a small group of individuals from one town (and the world in general) has reacted to this event. Of course it has overtones of the rapture, which made it a theologically interesting premise for me.  That being said, the series finale was anti-climactic and disappointing.   I don’t know why certain shows have such a hard time with this knowing a series will end. In the very last episode, the show compresses something like 30 years into 1 hour and only in the last 2 minutes of the show gives a quick explanation to what happened in the intervening years. (or was she lying, or were they dead a la Lost?) Although it was an interesting explanation at the end, there was much left unanswered, such as how and why the people the disappeared and the fate of certain other characters.  The theme song of the show was Iris Dement’s “Let the Mystery Be” I guess they kept to that theme in ending the series. 

A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley

So of course she won the Pulitzer for this book, but that in and of itself doesn’t prejudge a book for me. I have sat thinking about this book for a couple of days now.  This was an easy read. It is the story of a third generation farmer who gives his farm to two of his three daughters and their spouses and the aftermath of how that affected the family. What I like most was the book gave me a sense of what it was like to live and work on a family farm. Being a city kid now living in Iowa, I found this helpful and interesting. I felt like I was peering into a foreign culture. The story depicts the dysfunction and dynamics within families. It talks about our inner lives compared to our outer lives. It is a reminder that we often don’t really know the suffering that most people live with. It points to the strength, the pain and destruction of keeping secrets. Ultimately it talks about how our history, all of it is a large part of defining who we are.  My only slight complaint about the book is that for the first 2/3 of the book it was evenly paced developing the characters. Then in the last third of the book it felt very rushed to tell us all the secrets. Time lapsed without going into depth how these revelations affected the characters in other then a cursory way. Even so, I think I was just seeking more of a good thing. I couldn’t put it down. I highly recommend it 

Rogue One – an 8 out of 10 on the JayWo movie rating scale.

Next to the “Empire Strikes Back” this is my second favorite Star Wars movie. Empire will always be number 1 because it introduced me to Yoda. Rogue One was a bit of a slower moving, and dark movie compared to the action oriented and feel good movies in the series. It was a well written movie. It gave us a chance to meet various characters of the rebellion not just see them fight.  It answered a long time stirring question (at least for me) about the original star wars movie and why the death star had a fatal flaw. (this doesn’t answer that same question for the Force Awakens)  The movie showed that anything worth doing requires risk and sacrifice.  That is a message that I think is important for our current world.  I also saw a similarity within the racial diversity of the rebellion leaders and fighters, and our own country. Possibly, it idealized how we could unify our fractured competing oppressions and join together to achieve a common goal of defeating the empires in our lives.  Lastly who doesn’t like a wisecracking droid.  “I am one with the force, and the force is with me” May the force be with you.

Enemies by Maxim Gorky

I just finished re-reading this play for the first time after seeing in some off-off Broadway production over 30 years ago. It tells the story of Russia on the brink of revolution in 1906 as capsulated in the tension of a strike by workers at a textile factory(?) owned by the wealthier class.  Although it spoke specifically about class warfare vs. race issues, I think the play still makes some fundamental points that are relative to the tensions in our society  today. 

            What struck me about the play was that its reference to enemies was not so much between the classes (although that is implied) but among the wealthy class.  One of the wealthy class laments how the workers are united and trust each other. She goes on to say “We live like enemies, believing in nothing, bound together by nothing, each for ourselves” This  speaks to me of our ongoing culture of competitiveness and our constant worry and need to maintain our advantage in the world.  This to me is one reason why we come together in religious community. To be bound together (the actual meaning of the word  religion) to determine what we believe about the big questions of life. And so it raises the question for me, what do we really believe in regarding justice? Are we committed to it? My religious journey has led me here. But if we are not bound together in this, and bound together with the communities in need, then in the end it is just a self serving  position to make us feel better about ourselves and more comfortable in our place in power. If we really believe in justice we must be willing to commit and to sacrifice.

 In the play there is a young wealthy liberal Nadya who is revolutionary.  The older wealthy people find her insufferable and naïve, but the workers themselves do not bring themselves to trust her either. As she is questioning her place in society, the stoic actress Tattiana says  “If your going to ask yourself questions, you’ll end up a revolutionary.. and founder in that hurricane “ Nadya replies “One must be something, one simply must. One cant live ones life gaping at everything and not understanding anything” Its true, if we question the status quo, we must become revolutionaries. In small and large ways.  Just by becoming Unitarian Universalists, we are questioning the status quo of our religious society.  Why do we stop there?  It also shows the need to support our youth and young adults in their journeys so they will have the courage to find their own way and not left vacillating between boomer morals and the reality they experience in the world that differs with those.

 The play clearly shows the privileged class’ lack of self awareness in addition to their lack of awareness of the workers experiences.  There is the bias that workers are different and have a lack of sophistication. It shows the juxtaposition of the co-managers of the plant, one a hard conservative who believes the workers need to be kept in their place and the liberal who would like to accommodate the workers,  but can never see the workers as partners or equals (even to sit and have tea with). In the end those in power utilized government power to quell the strikers.

            I think the differentiation between conservative and liberal wealthy is intriguing and speaks to human nature. The conservative wife says “I like everybody to be well defined, I like to know what a person’s after. I think people who don’t know exactly what they want are dangerous, not to be trusted” This speaks to the most basic question of how we deal with uncertainty. Are we so willing to maintain  certainty that we are willing to limit ourselves and harm others?  Or are we willing to risk the certain for the possibility of living a meaningful life where our actions match our values.   

            The play also showed that the workers were just as morally ambiguous in utilizing power by sacrificing an innocent worker for the great good and murdering the conservative manager of the plant.. It is a reminder to me that it is not our intentions, but our actions that need to be held up to our values. In the end, we know that Stalin came to power and pitted workers against each other creating fear and distrust amongst each other. Our country as well has also used race as a way to divide the common interests of all poor and working class people.  We must be  wary of those in power separating people via competing oppressions.  We don’t all have to be friends, but we most certainly must not be enemies.  And if we have the courage we will use our power  to shape a more just future.               
            I just received an email from someone thanking me for advice I gave them many years ago when he was thinking of starting his own business. The advice I gave (which I once received from someone) was to cut off all the lifeboats.  For if you run in to trouble,  (and you most certainly will run into trouble at some point.)  you will jump in the lifeboat. But if you have no lifeboats, you will be forced to figure out a way to make it through the trouble. In other words, we must go all in, in whatever endeavor we are pursuing and pursue it with everything we have.   I am glad I picked up this play to read.  It obviously got me thinking!!

Letting Go – Bungee Jumping and Life.

        I remember many years ago, my son “encouraged” me to bungie jump.  They put me in a vest, and a crane pulled us high in the air.  As I got higher and higher in the air all I could think of was “why in the world did I agree to this and how do I get down”  The most insidious part of the event was that once we reached the very top I had to pull the cord that would release us.  I wondered if I never pulled the cord, how long they would keep us up at the top dangling in midair.  As I dallied around high above the ground, I heard in the speaker above me someone with a German accent telling me to pull the cord, everything would be all right.  For some reason with my bias of feeling secure in Germany’s engineering prowess, I pulled the cord.  Everything after that happened very quickly.  I didn’t have time to wonder if I was going to die, I only experienced the joy of what it felt like to fly.  It was an exhilarating, wonderful feeling.  And then I came back to earth slowly.

Now I am not suggesting that you become a thrill seeker.  However I do ask you to think about what are the things that are preventing you from reaching your full potential in life?  What are the things in life that we can let go of that are holding us back?  Do we have grudges that we have held onto for too long? Have we had beliefs, biases or habits that we have held on to for too long?  Is there something we fear that prevents us from trying new things?  Sometimes it just takes one split second decision to change our world.  To pull the cord, or change our mind, or take an action. And if we do let go, we can feel an exhilarating wonderful feeling of freedom, possibility and hope. Just finding the courage to take that step forward can help us feel grounded in who we are. So I ask you to consider letting go of what holds you back, and find your true, whole self.  

Meannderings on Retreat - What day is it?

After 4 days of meditating, reading, reflecting and writing it is easy to lose track of time. And yet although I lose track of time, or maybe because of it, I find myself. In the opening session of the program “Great Courage and Great Compassion, Living Dying and Freedom” we were asked the question “When have you turned away from life? How did it help you, how did it hurt you?  I thought it a profound question.  I usually talk about the choices we make. So the choice to turn towards something. Yet inherent in that, is a choice we did not make, the road not taken. I thought it was a good question to ask, and I encourage all to explore that question. Even it is painful. Just not while you are driving. I am so happy to be at this Zen Monastery letting it all in, in a supportive, loving and contemplative environment.

Meanderings on Retreat - Day 3 - going deeper

As I walk the labyrinth a second day, the grass and the flowers are my friends not my impediments. They are wonders of beauty to look at and it is their home much more than it is mine. I become aware of each flower and fauna  I watch as the resident butterfly checks me out. It flys away just as I reach it. It transforms itself to look like a stick. I see where it hides and when I reach it, it circles me once and flys away. It is waiting for me as I come out of the labyrinth. Letting me get closer than it ever did before, before unfolding in its dance of flight.  Usually when I walk the labyrinth, the deep questions and answers come. This time, just the peace of experiencing the world around me engulfed me.  No worries about the future, or reconciling the past, just peace in that moment, peace in every moment. That is my vision. Interesting to think about having a vision of the present moment.  

Frank Ostaseski from the Metta Institute gave a Dharma Talk last night and his topic was the spiritual byway.  How we sometimes use spiritual practice to avoid dealing with underlying issues that challenge us.  That we need to explore all the aspects of our feelings even the negative ones.  To become friends with our negative emotions to better understand them and to just be with them.   We should shift our focus away from the object of our negative feeling (I am angry at someone) and focus on the feeling (why does this create anger in me). Sit with the feeling, don’t repress it.   Let it all in. Although not necessarily to let it all out. It is important to understand our boundaries and that they are permeable. There is a time and place for what and how we express our feelings to others. I also loved Joan Halifax’s comment  “Just continue to show up dammit” That is how change happens by continuing to show up even when it is hard, even when it feels hopeless, even when you want to give up. Continue to show up with all of you and full of compassion. That is the only way to affect lasting chan

Meanderings on Retreat Day 2 - Settling In.

January 28th
So I think it shows that sometimes you just have to ask for what you need. There is wi-fi, I just didn’t look in the right place. So now that I have it, I am not sure that I want to use it!!  Not.  Meditation this morning was deep, as deep as I have experienced in a while.  Part of it is the setting.  A very reverential zendo just for the purpose of meditating. It is why I like to meditate in the sanctuary. It is a place of reverence.  Meditating with people who have a deep commitment to it also I think lends an gravity to the moment.  I will need to ask for a chair as my knees just cannot hold up for the whole week.

I found out they had a labyrinth and walked it this morning. Always a powerful experience for me.  This one they have let the grass grow up throughout it, so in some places it is not so easy to see which direction to turn.  It is interesting to think about having to look down right in front of you and look carefully with each step that you take.  Sometimes on other more cleared labyrinths you can look ahead and see which way the trail turns.  It is interesting to think about that in relationship with our vision for the future.  Sometimes it is easy to look ahead and see which way to go.  Sometimes though you have to put one foot in front of the other and trust that the path is laid out correctly. And when there is a sudden turn you must have your head down looking for it and see it and turn or you will trip. Always a good lesson.

In the afternoon Zazen sitting, we faced the wall. This is one difference in Soto Zen vs. Vipassana or Thich Naht Han Mindfulness Meditation.  On the one hand I feel more of a connection with others if we are all facing each other.  On the other hand, well I am not so sure about the other hand. (Tevya where are you) I think on the other hand, I am less self conscious facing the wall, for I know if someone else looks, they will not see my imperfect form (Soto Zen is much more into form than Vispassana and I want to respectful to the setting I am in).   So being less self conscious (not that I REALLY am, just hypothesizing) it allows me to go deeper. That’s all I got?

 I am doing more meditation in a condensed time than I normally do.  The sitting is about 40 minutes.  I normally sit 30 minutes in the morning myself, and in our Sangha, we have two 20 minute sits. I liked sitting for the longer time period. It gave me some time to settle in.  Plus it was also good not being the leader of the group.  I enjoyed being able to just let that go. Yes, letting go into emptiness,a key message of Zen.


July 29th

Now on my second full day here, I am feeling quite relaxed and peaceful. It took 2 days to shed the weight of my  world off my mind.  I am not worried about what happened yesterday, or what might happen tomorrow or even next week when I return, but I am here very present in the moment, just writing and reading and contemplating life. It is a simple existence here.  Life here is built to be simple. I like it. I don’t even miss tv. (Although I admit, I checked the score of the Mets game on my phone). When things are simple it is easier to see what is real, what is important and what is imagination run amok. The real question is how long can I maintain this feeling when I am back from retreat. It will require the discipline of practice every day.  It is a way of life I strive to live (of course we shouldn’t strive in Buddhist thought). So day by day, one foot in front of the other.

Meanderings on Retreat - "Train Train Running All Night Long"

Riding on the train. It is like watching a nature film from the train window. Different animals, different landscapes. Illinois , Iowa  and Missouri with its flat  lands and rolling hills  of vegetation. Colorado, with it wondrous  mountains,New Mexico with lower mountains but weaving riverbeds sometimes flowing sometimes dried out.  A lot of land throughout the country just unused, and maybe unusable. What I liked best about being on the train was meeting other people.  A family whose son has obsessions with trains (I learned a lot about trains and schedules and how late each train was);  A young girl from a small town in Missouri traveling to Los Angeles, California for the first time  to spend the summer with her father and thinking about what she wants to do with her future; a young adult from Missouri who spent his first week in the big city of Chicago and now on his way home; a Native American family traveling to their ancestral home for their annual gathering and dance; and lots and lots of boy scouts!!  The diversity and openness of people on the train reminds me of how people can be in community.  When we come together all of us different, we find a way to be together in harmony.  It is when we separate ourselves into our enclaves and limit our interactions that we learn to distant ourselves from the humanity of every person. Roll on Train.

At Upaya – as with most Zen Centers, there is no wifi, or even any cell service. There is no air conditioning. There is never enough draw space for all one’s clothing. Sharing a room is never really comfortable either. But I guess that is the point.  To not be comfortable. To find out what we need vs. what we want. To get to the core of what it is underneath that ails us. To find the peace within, that doesn’t need amenities to satisfy us.

I used Uber for the first time tonight. I walked into town – about 3 miles. I took the scenic route – a path along the river. It was nice to walk in the woods again, to be with nature. Even the couple of wrong turns I took, brought me to the rushing river, and I could revel in it flowing nature.  I had to walk over a couple of wooden/log bridges on the trek. Nothing really to worry about, but it was the concept of being suspended over the river. Not really knowing where I was going, (someone said, just follow the path by the river) but trusting that I would find my way.  And I did. But I did use Uber to come back. It was pretty cool. Quick service and there were not any other cabs to be seen. (just in case I was feeling guilty about busting the cabbie union).

I am not sure what it is that I hope to achieve this week. Just to explore, to center myself, to recapture and release the compassion and passion within me.  To remember who I am and why I am doing what I am doing.  I can and do this consistently throughout the year wherever I am, but coming here is an intentional recharging of my  soul.

Movie Reviews - "Inside Out" (8 of 10) and "Terminator Genisys" (6 of 10)

Movie Review – Inside Out – an 8 out of 10 on the JWO scale.

One the challenges of not having young children in my household anymore is that I feel awkward going to animated movies without children.  I usually have to wait until the movie comes out on Cable or Pay per View. So when I was spending some time with my 6 year old granddaughter this week, I asked if she wanted to see “inside out” and I was thrilled when she said yes.  I think much of the beauty in this movie is that it works for both adults and children. In fact I would say it is geared more for older children (over 10?) but really it is geared for adults who struggle with sharing their emotions.  Even through the eyes of my 6 year old granddaughter the movie has a strong message about the importance of sharing your feelings. I think most of the complexities of the movie were over her head and I don’t think she understood towards the end, why her grandpa started  choking up and crying.  I think the movie was extremely clever in showing how our mind and memories work.  Its characters were 5 key emotions of one young girl. Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear and Disgust are the five emotions that are highlighted.  It shows how all of them play a part in our development. It shows the danger when we are led by fear, Anger and/or disgust.  What was so important was the acknowledgment that sadness is an important part of what makes us whole.  If we ignore it, or subjugate it, we do so at our peril.  The movie shows how humans just try to soldier on with joy in the face of sadness and ultimately how fruitless that can be internally. It also shows the ying/yang of sadness and joy.  How we need to acknowledge the sadness in our lives to fully appreciate the joy in our lives.  At the end it shows the mingling of sadness and joy as part of our core memories that shape our lives. I think it raised an interesting question as to whether we need to let go of old memories/ideas in order to create new memories and ideas.  How old memories (Bing Bong) in this example sacrifice themselves for the greater good of the mind. I want to think about that one. If we had the power to eliminate traumatic events from our memory (in the movie the clown) should we?  With neuroscience advancing as far and as quick as it is, it is an ethical question we will have to address (A question the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” I thought addressed interestingly). But for now this is a complex, fun movie with a powerful message of acknowledging the sadness in our lives and sharing our emotions with those we are closest to.  A good message and a good cry.   

Terminator Genisys – a 6 out of 10 on the JWO Scale

Arnold Schwarzenegger in his catch phrase promised he would be back, and he is. I have forgotten how many terminator movies this has been. The movie pays homage to the original Terminator series. This one puts a clever twist on the old story, and I thought for its genre it was cleverly written.  I have stated before (I think in regard to XMen) I think movies that use time travel as part of their plot shows a weakness in the writing. In this movie, time travel was a major plot line of the whole original storyline.  However, I never understood the logic that machines and humans could only send one traveler each through the portal. That to me was a fatal flaw in the original logic.  Clearly they agreed with me as now there are people and machines travelling all through time multiple times. What I thought was clever was how other characters who did not travel in time lived their life either affected by it, or waiting for future events to happen. Because of changes to the world due to time travel we have alternate realties that are created.  This always makes things confusing and requires a lot of explaining.  Potential Armageddon,  Great Special Effects, Time Travel, Lots of things blowing up.  If you like that, this is a good date movie. If you are looking for something with depth, well maybe something else then. 

Ode to My Children - a poem I wrote for Sunday's service "Black Lives Matter"

I always told my children

Who are now grown men

Not To Cower down to might

And to stand up for the right

I am blessed they are alive

And have a chance to thrive

I was ignorant their plight was hard

And how authorities played their cards

I didn’t tell them

They should obey

Always Do What they say

The Boys in Blue

It’s just the job they do.

Facing it every day

A Job driven by fear

Cant imagine what they see

Cant imagine what they hear

But the videos I see

Make me question, are we free

I see the after and not before

Its true I may not know the score

But shooting a man in the back

Its cowardly and unnecessary

And that is a fact

Pushing a child in bikini to the ground

Sitting on her  pulling her hair

Have we forgotten love

Have we forgotten care

Is it wrong,

Who am I to say

But due to my privilege

That’s the burden I must pay

I was born to write

I was born to speak

I cant be muted and

I cant be meek

Maybe if I stand up

To help end this racism

Maybe In the long run

It’ll  be a better place that we all live in

Maybe I stand up to the gun in my face

I stand with my brothers and sisters of a different race

Maybe I stand up with my face to the gun

Because maybe Next time

Maybe next time

They will target my sons

My sons,

They are all my sons

Wrote Arthur miller

He was condemning the capitalist

He was condemning war killers

The dead are all my brothers and sistas

We have to say more than just hey we’ll all  miss ya

We have to stop the notion

That people of color always cause  the commotion

We have to stop the

3^rd grade to prison pipeline

We have to stand up and say

It is way beyond time.

We have to stand up

And walk as allies

Or otherwise we allow

Others to perpetuate these white lies

I know I worry about my sons its true

And I do worry about the men in blue

To have such fear with the need to kill

Creates a heart with hate all filled.

So lets find love in our heart

Lets all do our part

Together if we walk

Together if we talk

The world will change

That may be unsettling

That may feel strange

The Buddha says we must awake

And it is true, There is much at stake

So now I ask you to stand with me

So together we can make the world see

That love has a power

Love can make hatred cower

That love dispels fear

And brings restorative justice near

Now I ask you to stand with me

To rise in body or spirit to sing

Our closing hymn

Building a new way number 1017

Two Movies - Two Visions of the Future

Mad Max Fury Road – a 4 out of 10 on the JWO scale
Mad Max is truly a dark vision of our dystopian future. It picks up after the Thunderdome, where it is clear Max failed to keep the children in his care safe which has sent him into madness and savagery. Maybe at this point I am just becoming jaded about movies like this, after seeing one too many. (which I think ties into the Tomorrowland theme). This movie just had an idiotic or no plot and script.  This movie seemed to be written with punk rockers and x games aficionados in mind.  I really just didn’t get the guitar player with fire coming out of guitar as something that would happen in a dystopian nightmare.  Would they really waste their energy on that.  I know, I know, its not real, only a movie, but if there is complete disregard for reality, then, this is not a real future possibility and whole premise of the movie falls apart. In fact there were times in the movie I actually laughed ouut  loud  due to seeming absurdity  in tthe movie  The movie’s violence and noise just didn’t appeal to me. I did  appreciate the feminist and ableist angle that the movie interjected.  It was novel for this type of  movie.  But it wasn’t enough to offset ongoing death and destruction with little or no plot line.  I like Tom Hardy and love  Charlize Theron as actors but they didn’t have much to work with here.

Tomorrowland a 6 out of 10 on the JWO scale
Tomorrowland has one strike against it immediately, because going in, I saw this cynically as a way for a  movie to promote the Disney Parks.  From a business perspective I like it, but from a movie perspective it takes a bit of the purity away from the movie.  Having said that, I enjoyed the movie. George Clooney puts in a typical George Clooney low key professional performance. Britt Roberston did a great job playing  the innocent energetic youthful imaginative budding engineer protagonist who wakens Clooney from his slumber.  The movie showed us two visions of the future, one idyllic, and another dystopic. I think you have to be physicist to understand the plot line regarding alternate universes and time shifting.   I gave up trying to figure that out after awhile. The movie’s message for me is what we spend our time on, what we focus on, will determine our future. If we dwell on the negative, the negative future will occur. If we dwell on the positive and act with wonder about what is possible we are more likely to create a world filled with wonder.  And by the way you can find wonder in Tomorrowland at Disney World. But I am sci-fi nerd and I appreciated the shots of the 64 worlds fair, and jet packs, and a multicultural, multiracial future and the questions about whether Artificial Intelligence can have emotion.  It was a fun movie with a good message.  Well worth watching.

Movie Review August: Osage County – a 7.5 on the JWO Movie Rating Scale

Perhaps because I just led a service on compassionate communications today that this movie struck a chord with me due to its lack of the same.  It is the story of a dysfunctional family after its patriarch has committed suicide (it happens in the first few minutes of the film, so I am not giving much away here). It is heavy on words and light on cinematography and action.  The acting is just spectacular, although occasionally over the top. There are just so many good performers in this, I almost didn’t recognize Abagail Breslin (from a great movie Little Miss Sunshine, which I now realize is 9 years old and it makes sense why I might not recognize her)  And although the matriarch of the family says she is truth telling, the movie is all about how the secrets we keep and the truth we hold within ourselves, ultimately poison us.  It is about how we really don’t understand others’ lives often, as one character states:

“Maybe its hard for you to believe, looking at me, knowing me the way you do, all these years. I mean, I know to you, Im just your old fat Aunt Mattie Fae. I’m more than that, sweetheart, there’s more to me than that.”

People don’t just fit into the nice little boxes we imagine them to be.  Life is more complex than that. The movie also shows how we are affected generationally by the suffering of our parents. It is clear how each one of the children is a reflection of and a reaction to their parents. And although the end of the movie didn’t tie everything up in a nice little bow, I think that is the point.  Our lives are never complete, and they are always unfolding.  The best we can do is to try to understand ourselves and bring the truth to light as difficult as it may be. 

Called

As I sit on the bluff
Overlooking the oceans waves
Crashing into the beach
I find myself called 
I hear the oceans roar
Calling me to jump in
And ride the wave
Even if I end up
Tumbling at the end
And taking in salt water
It calls to me and I answer
At least for today
Even at its heavy cost
That will require
Recuperation and rest
Until I venture out again
But is enough
For today
For it makes me feel alive
And as I meander
Around the bluffs
Regaining my strength
Amidst the grandeur
I see a beautiful flower
Surrounded by metal wires
As if in a cage
And I wonder
If it feels trapped
By its circumstances
And environment
But then I realize
The cage is protecting
The flower and I wonder
Would the flower
Rather be free
And live a shorter life
Or would it rather
Be protected
From the ravages of
The harsh world
And it's creatures
To just sit and
enjoy the grandeur
Day in and day out
I would like to sit
And ponder some more
But I am called
To other places
And by other circumstances
And environments
And I wonder
If those have protected me
Day in and day out
So that I might one day
Share beauty with
Someone passing by
And pondering
Life's mysteries
Rev. Jay - 02/04/15 Asilomar