The Iceman Cometh - Free from illusions

When I look back on my life there are many writings that affected my life. However there was not one particular piece that created a single moment of insight as to my vocation. My pursuit of ministry has been a life long journey that leads me to this place and time. When I look back over my life, I thought of one particular play that I read that jump started a journey of searching for the truth. It is a play I have continued to think about throughout my life. When I first read Eugene O’Neil’s “The Iceman Cometh” in my late teens, I was cynical and pessimistic about the ways of the world. Due to the lens of experiences I had grown up with, I had given up on the idea that there was a God. I remember that once I started reading this play, I could not put it down and stayed up all night to finish it.

The characters in the story are down on their luck alcoholics. These individuals are on the lowest rung of the ladder in society. They maintain illusions about how they happened to be in such a predicament in their life, and more importantly, how they would change their life one day and redeem themselves and their life. There are certain pairings of individuals, an ex-policeman and a crook, two combatants from opposite sides of a war, a revolutionary and an individual who has a forsaken the concept of revolution, and a pimp and his hookers to name a few of the characters. One day, an old friend walks in the bar and tries to convince them that they will find peace only if they face their illusions and realize them for what they are. His concept is that once they see themselves for what they are, their true inner self, they will see that they are just alcoholics, and they will not need their illusions. As it turns out he believes this because he killed his wife and found peace because he no longer had the guilt of constantly lying to her and knowing she would forgive him. Upon killing her, he felt peace because he no longer had to keep up the illusion that he would reform one day. Yet when he made the cast of characters confront their illusions, they did not find peace. Reality was just too harsh and had become a living death. In the end, the message of the play is that we all need certain illusions to help us make it through life.

Now this may seem like a strange story as an inspiration for ministry. If I had read this story later in life, I might not have had the same reaction. Yet what it showed me was that we all create illusions for ourselves to help us survive in a harsh world. This started me on a search for my true inner self. This also changed my perspective in how I viewed all things in the world. I learned that instead of looking at superficial aspects of something in life, I had to investigate the root cause and complexity of all points of view to gain a true understanding of such a thing. Confronting an illusion will cause the death of that illusion. However, once dead, there is fertile ground for the truth (or possibly another illusion) to achieve life.

At that time in my life I was tempted to take the position that others were under the illusion that there was a God, and I needed to confront others with their illusion. Yet intrinsically I knew that tearing down other people beliefs or illusions would not help me. I needed to understand my illusions and my inner self. My lack of knowledge and experience in the world had led me to certain conclusions about the world. The realization that I didn’t have enough knowledge and experience was the first step to breaking the illusion. I knew if I maintained the illusion of the world that I experienced, I would never evolve spiritually as human being. Without knowing what the truth was, I shed the illusion and started on the search for knowledge and understanding of God, and the way God works in this world.

Another thing I learned from this play was that you have to have a plan. Clearly these characters were flawed and at the end of the line. My perception at that time in my life was that although flawed, if I did not change, that I would end up at the end of my life in much the same manner as these characters. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I knew I had the ability to change. I knew it would be a long and arduous task, but if I focused on end result, I could persevere and succeed. Later in life I have learned to enjoy the road throughout the journey. This did teach me though that we have to choose the path carefully, and make sure we are heading in the right direction. We may have to adapt and take detours along the way, but we must think in advance which way we are heading. I also learned that answers are not instantaneous. The search for the truth can be a long journey until we find the answer. When we reach the destination it may not hold the answer we expect. The answers we receive also may raise new questions which will lead us off on another journey. Yet it is just that search for truth and meaning with love in our hearts and an open mind that will put us in touch with the divine and will eventually give us salvation.

Although this play has a bleak outlook on life, it makes me constantly reassess my self and my actions, to make sure that I am following a path that is right for me and is not based on illusion. This play showed me the need for discernment that continues today through deep thought about life. I do sometimes think that I create an illusion that living a moral, ethical life that is God centered is better because I fear the consequences of actions that society would deem immoral. Yet this is an illusion I would be happy to live with.

I read a story in a book that said that God was playing hide and seek with humans, but we were not looking. Well my driving search for truth about myself, has forced me to face the fact that I believe in a divine presence in the universe. It also forced me to face the fact about myself that I want to do good, and I want to help make the world a better place to live. I also want to help others see this light of goodness in the world and in their lives. My search for truth has shown me that there are many paths to reach this divine presence. There is great knowledge and insight we can learn from different world religions that can lead us on this path. In addition, there are many underlying truths that are similar in many world religions that can bind us together as we evolve as humans.

One of the last lines of this book, one of the characters states “Be God, there’s no hope! I’ll never be a success in the grandstand – or anywhere else! Life is too much for me! I’ll be a weak fool looking with pity at the two sides of everything till the day I die! May that day come soon!” These lines have always haunted me. I have for much of my life looked for balance and tolerance in this world. Yet sometimes we must act as a counterbalance to society at large to maintain such a balance. We must be willing when necessary to take a stand. We must take a stand for righteousness and justice when the rest of society stands idly bye. So just as this character has stood in the grandstands of life watching the game but not intervening, and at the end of day wishing for death, I submit that we cannot just sit idly bye and watch others manipulate the world for their own means. We must take action to educate and change the world, to help shape the world in the image of the divine. Although I do not agree with the message that the play offers, the ideas offered within it sparked such deep thought within me. These thoughts started me on my journey and continually keep me honest along the way.