My Journey on Silent Retreat

 On my day of silent retreat I thought I would take a stroll around the monastery grounds. When I started out it was raining fairly heavy, so I decided to read. After reading for two hours I decided to go again. As I walked out of my hermitage I came upon this statue.

I continued to walk along the path in front of me which I knew led to a lake area. It was a winding path down a hill. There was a nice breeze blowing, and there were wildflowers all around

I finally reached the lake which had a cement walkway around it. I walked slowly around the lake and came upon a dock.

I wondered if I should sit and ponder the water, but I thought best to continue the journey. I thought I could always come back to it on the way back. Let that be the first lesson. Take your opportunities when they present themselves. They may not be there when you decide you are ready and you may choose something else later. Sometimes you have to stop the journey to enjoy the moment in the moment

So I continued on. I walked until the cement path ended about half way around the lake. I thought I might make it all the way around. But alas that was not to be. I imagined this as my journeys end, I decided to wait a minute and sit before I headed back to my room. The journey had seemed a bit like a labyrinth, although it did not have any set pattern that I knew in advance. After a few moments of watching the lake water ripple, and listening to the birds chirping, I raised myself and headed back.

Sometimes our lack of imagination is what limits us. I imagined this was the end. Yet it was only the beginning. I just didn’t know it then. In the regular day to day life it might have and often is. Looking back, this was a lesson that we should imagine more. Imagine things beyond the proscribed path.

 The best part of taking time for myself, is that it is unscripted, and I leave myself open to mystery and adventure if I am willing to embrace it. And as I winded my way back along the lakes edge I reached the dock once again. I thought, should I go sit down and ponder the lake from this angle before I made my way back to my room. At least here I thought I am communing with nature. And then I looked left. I do not know what compelled me to look left. Perhaps randomness, or just taking in the sights, but I saw a mowed piece of grass between the wildflowers

 

 

 Now in the picture you can see t here is a sign “trail”. But when I first saw the path from farther back I did not see the sign. I thought it was odd that there was this mowed area. Perhaps it led to a storage shed or to another property. It was not clear from where I was that it was a trail. Still I moved forward. I had seen what was to be seen on the proscribed path laid out before me, and although peaceful, it clearly did not satisfy me, and so I thought what is the worst that will happen. I will go a distance, and I will have to walk back. So I went off the proscribed path and lo and behold I saw the sign path. I didn’t look that way coming since I was focused on the lake. And on the way back, the sign was obscured by bushes from the direction I was walking. In our lives there are signs. However sometimes we are too focused on other things that we miss them. Let that be a lesson to  us that we should take a broad view of everything around us that is within our field of vision, (literal but also metaphorical) Let us intentionally look for the signs that are placed right before us beckoning us. And so I journeyed into the unknown. And as I was wondering whether to walk down this path, a large breeze came through and it seemed to me that the trees were waving at me inviting to enter the woods.

 

And so I ventured downward into the path through the woods. It was darker in the woods. I actually found this peaceful. I walked gently and slowly noticing the flowers and tree limbs. Some broken off by the storm. As I walked slowly I listened for the sounds of the woods and I heard a rustling and I looked and saw a deer leaping away. I thought no need to run, but I imagine, deer have learned to fear humans and for good reason. So I just watched it bound away and appreciated its beauty and ability as it went on it way seeking safety. I noticed butterflies flirting around. Its amazing how much is going on in the world if you pay attention. And then I came to an old rickety bridge. It didn’t look too stable, but it was stable enough, and not that far a fall even if it couldn’t hold me. There I am, always calculating the risks. At times necessary, but we need to take risks in life if we are to grow. Bridges have great symbolic meaning of course. Crossing over from one place to another. Not just physically but metaphorically. Once I cross over, I am in uncharted territory. A bridge is a signifier of crossing over to new territory. Not good or bad, but a marker. And also it is just something that prevents us from getting wet or falling into water. So bridges are protectors as well as borders.

And so I travelled on. Not knowing where it would lead. And with each step, although logically I knew I could retrace my steps back, each step plunged me deeper into unknown territory.

Each step seemed to take me deeper into the woods, into the unknown. How would I get back? Would I be too tired or weakened if I went on. Would I get lost. What happens if it starts raining while I am out here. But still I walked on. I think it is like that with our spiritual and religious lives. We are comfortable where we are, and we wonder why should risk comfort. Why take risks. But as I kept walking down hill, I just had faith and trust that the journey would work out. The Robert Frost poem “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening” came to my mind. Although it is not snowing. It is dark and deep and quiet. I am aware of how quiet it is lacking normal human noise. I feel committed to this journey so on I go.

 

 

I feel as if my faith has been rewarded as the path leads back uphill and I see an opening with the sun starting to break through the clouds. As I reach the top of the hill. There are three paths to choose from. There is a sign that says Monastery pointing back from where I came from. So this is another moment of choice. Just when we think we have reached where we are going, things are not always so clear, and we continue to have to make choices. I would like to imagine that all three of these paths circle around, but there is no way of telling. I played a little game in my head. Left means I have left for good. I wasn’t ready for that. Straight ahead would seem like I was just following directions, and my life has never been just a straight march in one direction. So I chose right…maybe for righteous?? Well and also my sense of direction indicated that should be the way back to the monastery – it was starting to drizzle and as much as I like a good adventure, I really did not want to get soaked. Another thought crossed my mind, that perhaps by being deep in the woods covered by woods I was protected from the rain. So going deep can protect us from the difficulties we face in life. So I went right. Uncovered now from the torrents of weather and life still searching to find my way.

This path led me down again into some darker twisting and muddier paths. It was at this point I had wished I packed my sneakers instead of a pair of loafers. Also a good lesson, we should learn from our experiences, and maybe better prepare when we are going on a journey, but when there is nothing to be done to change the situation, regret is useless. I will have to clean my shoes when I get back.   Nothing is ever simple or straightforward on a unknown journey. There are obstacles along the way, whether that is downed trees or people telling you, you shouldn’t or couldn’t do something, or worse telling ourselves that and short circuiting our journey. And sometimes our journey gets muddy. That is how life is. If we stop every time something goes wrong, we would never reach our destination. We need to keep moving, one step at a time

 And then the moment of truth. An hour into my walk I come upon this. Another bridge with a yellow tape across it. This immediately seems like a symbol to turn back.

What was I to do? I had been walking for close to an hour now. And although I had no idea if the way forward would bring me closer to my destination the thought of turning back now seemed daunting to me. Plus I am not one for following arbitrary rules.

I think it is like that with our spiritual and religious journey as well. We get so far and then we societal conventions or rules tell us to stop and go no further.

I chose to move forward. I looked carefully and saw there was a hole in the wood further on the bridge. So I decided to look as the yellow tape as a warning. Something telling me not to abandon my search, but to go slowly and be careful. So I gently stepped over the tape and walked gently over the bridge avoiding the pitfalls that could damage me. A good message that we do not always have to go full charge ahead. That we should be aware of the dangers we face on our journey. I was glad that someone had forewarned me to be careful in this place. How we view things are often shaped by what we believe and perceive. I saw the yellow tape as stop go back, but it was meant as a way to help make me aware of danger. We should not stop our journey, but rather  become more mindful of the steps we take, and learn from those who have walked this path before.

And not too much farther down the path, it opened up again to the sight of the monastery I was staying in. This gave me hope I was in the right direction. Yet there was still not a straight path. I had to choose right or left. Remembering the mind game I played before and feeling bad that I connoted left with a negative thought and thinking of all my friends who are left handed who would condemn that thought, I chose to turn left and started the steep incline back up the hill to the place I call home this weekend.

 

 

And lo and behold, as I made it to the top of the path, I found myself next to the path that went down to the lake (notice the statue in the background) This path was right by my hermitage, but I had not even seen it. And so I made it back to where I started. I am reminded of the lines from the T.S. Eliots poem “Four Quartets”

“What we call the beginning is often the end
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from.”

I don’t know where this journey will continue to lead, but I am clearly still on the path. Yearning for something still unknown. Still looking for the better in humanity, Still looking for justice. Perhaps we just need to become more aware and not take the proscribed path and take a walk into the unknown, if we can awake and see that it is there. Sometimes we have to go all the way around the block to go next door. If that is what it takes, so be it. And enjoy the journey along the way. Ok, back to reading.

Thanks for journeying with me.

 

Catastrophe or Middle Way

 I started watching the series Cobra Kai on Netflix this week. It takes up the story thirty years later of the characters from the Karate Kid movie.  It starts showing us the defeated bully’s life as full of suffering and bitterness. And it shows Daniel the youth who overcame the bully as a seemingly happy successful person. (I look forward to see how this develops).  To some this may have seemed like a satisfying life trajectory of the two protagonists of that movie. It would have been my hope in seeing Cobra Kai that Johnny the bully would have learned compassion after losing. He seemed to acknowledge it at the end of the first movie. But then we would not have had a plot line for the new show Cobra Kai. But it started me thinking how often we get stuck in our way of being and find it hard to transform ourselves. How the impact of trauma and early life experiences so often mold us.

When we are young we just accept as experiences as they are because that is all we know of our world. And often we live our whole life with that same mindset of those childhood experiences. I know growing up in the Bronx and New York City there were potential dangers at every corner. In truth for the early part of my life, I did not care why the dangers were there, I just wanted to be protected from them. Being of short stature and little physical ability I learned that humor, negotiation and allyship helped me survive. Even once I would have to say that providence intervened via the help of total strangers to save me.

As I got older, I kept looking around corners for dangers. Although some of that fear is bias conditioned from a young age, some of it is real. There is real danger in the world.  Some people live their whole life in this protection mindset. If I have enough money I can move far enough way. I can build a wall around my housing development. I can be protected by the police from danger.  This mindset of protection can infect every aspect of peoples lives and they see every interaction as a battle to protect what they have and they use lawyers and a sense of shared loyalty to protect themselves from any challenge. Many people live their whole lives this way. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Somewhere along the line I changed. At some point, I started asking why is there danger? Why is there poverty? Why are drugs illegal which caused so much of the violence in my neighborhood (did we learn nothing from prohibition?) Some of my change was due to my Jewish upbringing which stressed helping the most vulnerable as we often were throughout history. I was raised with a penchant for critically thinking and to question everything. Some of my change was due to my Unitarian Universalist tradition that opened my heart and mind to new ways of thinking. A  large part of my change was the adoption of my children who are Korean and seeing how they were treated differently as they grew older. I protected them where I could, but there are things I could not protect them from. Another large impact on my thinking was my interaction with people who were different from me.  I learned that their experiences with the government were not the same as mine and I learned how systemically people were kept oppressed. But mostly, I would have to say I experienced that love overcomes fear. So I combined all of this and I learned and I changed.

We often shy away from the word evil in this life. But it is clear people do evil things. Time and awareness has changed my world view as to what were the evil things being done in the world. For me it is to cause harm to others for no reason. Those who would accumulate wealth at the expense of their fellow citizens causes harm for no reason. Not providing adequate health care even though we can afford it causes harm for no reason. Not providing adequate housing and education for our citizens (while people are building mansions) causes harm for no reason. Not providing enough food for those in need even though we have more then enough causes harm for no reason. Locking up people in jail for drugs (while we have easy legal access to much stronger pharmaceuticals) causes harm for no reason. Remember evil spelled backwards is live. I know that is trite but it gives me hope that things can be turned around. We can choose to live. We can choose to make things in this world better. One thing that is certain is we will all die. So how we live matters.

And so the question that comes to me now is how to combat People Who Do Evil Things (PHODETS). I was raised being taught that non violent action to appeal to the conscience of Americans was the way to achieve change. We saw it used by Gandhi in India. He had some victories with it, but in truth I believe World War II had more to do with ending Britain’s occupation of India. We saw it used successfully in the South to end Jim Crow laws by Martin Luther King Jr. He and many others died for it anyway. King also had the benefit of having the Black Panthers and Malcom X as an violent alternative that led White Americans to side with MLK Jr. History shows us more often then not, dictatorships crush non violent resistance. There are exceptions of course. Ultimately it comes down to the armed services. Now we are not a dictatorship in America yet. But the PHODETS keep talking as if they would not object to America being a dictatorship. So I can not rule out a violent response completely in the future. It is true fear of violence will put people in protection mode. But fear of violence can also bring people to an alternative. A Middle Way.

A Middle Way is not a compromise but rather a better higher alternative. Imagine the top of a isosceles triangle. In the middle, but higher then either polarity. I believe most people do not want violence. It is not too late to avoid this catastrophe that is approaching. We can and MUST VOTE. We must do whatever we can to make sure this election is legal. We must stand up to every indignation and malfeasance that PHODETS put forward. Every single one. We must use what our unique skills are and use them to promote a better way of being and living to confront Americans with an alternative to the PHODETS.

We must adjust our values in this country. Our values should not be to have the biggest house and car and every contraption known to humankind. Our values as a country should be Justice, Equity and Compassion. We can grow and change. We do not have to suffer catastrophe to transform. We can choose to learn and be open to change and thus transform. At least that is my hope. Look around. Learn. Awake. We can reduce physical suffering by generosity of our spirit and our wealth as a country. We do not have to be bitter and suffer just because someone else is getting a little help. There is more then enough of creation for everyone.  We do not have to live always looking around corners for danger and figuring out ways to protect ourselves. We can choose to change. We can choose love. We can choose the Middle Way. The alternative is catastrophe.

Meanderings while walking on the beach while on vacation during Thanksgiving

As I walked the beach, I thought about the waves rolling in and out. As the tide goes out it leaves some dead shells, and some that cling to the tide to head back out to the gulf. It is now illegal to take a live shell. But for years our family would take live shells and boil them (there is some sea creature living within it). We would create shell lamps and shell mirrors, and anything shells. Looking back, I wonder if these creatures suffered. If shell creatures have shell creature families. So I can rationalize killing a creature for sustenance for myself, but to kill just to create beauty seems hard to justify. Now we just scavenge for dead shells.                                                                         

With the incoming and outgoing tide, some shell creatures live, some die, some get washed away. The more adept shell creatures I imagine hides itself better so as not to be picked (they dig themselves down in the sand). Such it is in life. We live our lives. Some are more adept then others. We live for awhile, we die, some people get swept away by the tides of life. Some dig deep and fight like hell for life. And although each shell and its existence is unique, the tide coming in and out, does so like clockwork, every day, it has a pattern that affects the shells (and I imagine all sea life). Over time the waves have a discernible pattern that we can determine and predict. I wonder and imagine that sea life can as well and that helps them exist in their world. 

But also that pattern of tides  and gravity tells me of the interdependence of all things that were created and came to be. Even if there is a scientific explanation for it all, it is amazing. And if there are amazing things that create patterns in and of the waves I must wonder if our lives and our universe have similar patterns.  Certainly in my life I have sensed repeating patterns. With more experience and wisdom over time I have learned to better manage those down cycles and take advantage of the upcycles.  What patterns does the universe show us? 

It is true that patterns get disrupted, whether that be by an asteroid crashing, or climate crisis affecting migratory patterns of birds, (and many other patterns) or lights on beaches affecting patterns of baby sea turtles. So too in our life we have patterns interrupted through unexpected tragedies. I do note that I only to point to interrupted patterns due to the negative, not the positive. But I imagine, a pattern can be interrupted by an act of courage, an act of kindness or the sight of beauty. 

If I noticed anything on the beach, even with the pattern of the waves and the tide, is that even while that is predictable, everything in every moment is changing. What shells come in, what

Shells go out. My interaction with the waves and shells although might not affect the tide, but it affects that wave and those shells I interact with. (and of course there are things we can do to affect the direction of water). The weather beyond our control affects the pattern too. 

I admit it is a little depressing thought that there is a tide in our life and the universe, a constantly repeating direction that can be altered, often impacted, but without major intervention cannot be changed.  On the other hand I could be wrong. Or perhaps we as some scientists speculate are part of a simulation created by aliens (which would explain patterns), but I do not put much stock in that (because if we become aware of the simulation they will turn it off) 

Or perhaps it is enough to be the creature that digs deep and fights for survival to make a difference in the sea of life, even when it cant change the whole tide. Perhaps if enough creatures dig deep enough they can change the course of the tide. Perhaps it gives ours lives purpose. You can not count on an asteroid to change the world, so perhaps we should try an act of courage, acts of kindness and/or create something beautiful.   You just have to dig deep and survive and work to change the tide.  This is what I thought when I took a walk on the beach this Thanksgiving morning. I am not sure I even make sense of it all, but it is what I experienced.  What did you think about this morning. 

A Sad Day for America. DON'T GIVE UP - Rev. Jay Wolin - Thoughts on the Kavanaugh Hearing

There are days that I hope for a God of Judgement. Until that time arrives, if it arrives, it is up to us human beings to see the work of justice be done on this earth. I sat riveted listening to Dr. Ford’s and Judge Kavanaugh’s testimony.  First, I have to say, as a man, I am tentative to speak about this.  I feel this is a time to lift up womens’ voices. As a minister though, I feel it is my religious responsibility to use what ever moral authority I have to shed light on the issue and to raise the consciousness of whoever will listen. Throughout my life, first just as a compassionate listener and now as a minister, I have heard women’s stories about harassment and abuse. Earlier this week at a local rally we heard story after story of women harassed and abused by men. And yes, I know men are abused as well, and I do not diminish that, but it is at a much smaller %. And yes, research has shown that a small % of claims brought forth are found to be false. Over 95% of abuse claims are real and true (and a large majority never reported), and personal experience confirms that high %. I therefore believe people and especially women when an accusation is made. And let me assure you that the trauma of such harassment and abuse is devastating and long lasting.  We need to change the moral bankruptcy of men in this world.  This is not a court of law. This is not just for a nomination on the supreme court. This is a court of moral opinion of how we are going to interact with each other as humans.

Changing the culture will require a shift. Men (and women) are enculturated into this machismo misogyny. Every movie with Bogart or John Wayne just grabbing the women and kissing her, makes it seem reasonable to just grab women and kiss them. How many romantic comedies have men stalking women (I think of the movie where he is outside her house with a boombox blasting “their” song) until the women gives in and admits their love.  Men do not see this as harassment. They see it just the way things are. When women try to reject these overtures men often become angry and violent. Time and again when women come forward to authorities they are excoriated and forced  to endure humiliation for coming forward.  

Dr. Ford’s testimony was credible. And I cringe even writing that.  I am someone who has had to give court depositions, and is interviewed often on television. It is nerve wracking and pressure-filled and you have to be precise and it is difficult to do under normal circumstances. I cannot imagine how it must be talking  publicly about a personal trauma. So she was more then credible and believable. She was courageous. She didn’t have to do this. The Republican Senators used an inquisitor who spoke for them when Dr. Ford was on the stand. The Republicans admitted themselves they could not control themselves from saying stupid things. That in and of itself shows their moral bankruptcy.  The inquisitor focused her time asking questions that were clearly trying to trip up the witness and show that this was a bigger conspiracy rather then uncover the truth. Dr. Ford did not fall for the bait, from either Republican or Democratic lawmakers (as they tried to get her to expand her story). She told her truth and should be believed.

Judge Kavanaugh’s uncontrolled (or crafted) emotional outbursts, his refusal to answer some questions, his obfuscation of other questions, and his partisan attacks shows me a number of things. One he is denying the mistakes of his youth, but worse, he has not learned from them. He thinks he can just bully people and thinks that is acceptable attitude. Second, his temperament and partisanship should be a disqualifier. The fact that he has lied several times and his papers are being hidden, tells me he is not a trustworthy person. He has no empathy for others, as shown by his unwillingness to even shake the hand of the parent of a child killedd by gun violence at the hearings. He doesn’t see that the things he does are harassment. He yelled at and attacked the woman Senator who asked him a difficult question about whether he ever blacked out. He thinks it is ok to yell at senators who are questioning you for a job. Yell, attack and then cry when you are challenged.  That is the misogynist way. He particularly twitched and was evasive when Sen. Kamala Harris questioned him (A woman of color).  When people are in power, or have power over others, it is rare that they give it up willingly. And they fight every time when that power is challenged. The anger we saw from Kavanaugh yesterday and the anger we saw from Republican lawmakers (who finally found their voice to speak to Kavanaugh – I guess it is ok to say stupid stuff amongst men) was this rejection that someone would reject their power over them. In the 19^th century we had to have a civil war about this. Instead of looking for truth, instead of showing compassion, they condemned, and by so doing they have fallen short.   

The committee will approve Kavanaugh.  Jeff Flake is the one who has fallen the farthest from God. The other Republicans are unabashed misogynists. Jeff Flake tries to pretend that he is compassionate and reasonable, but in the end Flake votes for Kavanaugh’s approval. He votes for cutting taxes, he votes to cut social programs that will help those who are suffering. He has fallen the furthest because of his duplicity and thus he will end up in the lower levels of hell (if there is a hell or else he will be in long term remediation class in heaven or reincarnated as a mosquito.)  We have a President who has been on tape bragging about sexually abusing women. He and the people he appoints are hostile to women’s health issues. They are not arbiters of good morality.

The question is what are we going to do about it. If the law will not protect women, how can women protect themselves. How can we support them. It is the question people of color and poor people have to answer every day as well. Yes, I was riveted by the testimonies yesterday. It was like watching a car wreck. It was horrible and I couldn’t take my eyes off it. But unlike car accidents this was not an accident, it is an avoidable and changeable tragedy. For me It is important to witness the tragedy, and it is important to speak about the tragedy, so that we can find a new way. Create a new way.

Women, all harassment and abuse survivors, I hear you. I know you are in pain. And I commit to lift up your voices, I commit to work to end the patriarchy that destroys so many lives, and limits so many souls from flourishing, and ends love. I have to work hard not to let love die in my soul, when these events happens. I am human. I have my own failings. I get discouraged, I have had my own tragedies. I take time to look within myself and see what can I do or not do to help make things better.  Ending the patriarchy is not being anti-man. It is to end men’s control over women. That can be freeing for men as well, but certainly and mostly it is about justice for women. 

As a religious leader, it is my role to speak the truth and to espouse a vision of a better way to be in community even if those in power do not agree. I also know it my role to lift up hope and the possibility of a world based on compassion and love. One of the greatest gifts Unitarian Universalism has given me is that it opened my mind, and then my heart to hearing other people’s stories and perspectives by being in relationship with them in a covenanted community.  It is hard to let go of old ways of thinking. But since I had covenanted to be in right relationship with people I learned to listen and to change and grow. I believe it can happen for others and the world. It is why I became a minister. To share that message that love, compassion, hope and change is possible. It may not be today, it may not be in my lifetime, but I will do my share in my time to bring that about, in every small and large way I can in the here and now,  and I ask you to do so as well. Do not give up. DO NOT GIVE UP. Do not sit back. The old ways are dieing, but they are not going quietly or peaceably as we saw on display at the Kavanaugh hearings. And the patriarchy seems intent on taking everyone down with them before they change. All good people need to join together and listen and believe and act together. I hear you, I believe you. How can I help you change the world.

Theology is Boring - (or is it?) thoughts on study leave as I try to distract myself from reading.

I know, I know, I am a minister. Theology is the foundation of my vocation. I am not that type of minister I say. People look strangely at me and wonder, as if their world had tilted off its axis. It is not that I don’t like theology, but most who write about it feel the need to prove how educated they are with multisyllabic words  (see what I did there 😊). I read book after book. In reality it is more like slogging through it. Certainly some of it is my ongoing contemplation and argument with every line that I read. That can be exhausting. Why? How did you come to that conclusion? What does that mean? I debate myself in my own mind before I go  on to the next sentence. It makes reading a book a journey.  

In truth everything is theology. Every walk, every movie, every conversation, every event I attend is a view of the world from a theological perspective. What is the purpose of this or that. What meaning can be derived from the experience. What mystery of the universe can be unlocked from every observation. What is the metaphor of every interaction. It is exhausting and beautiful and just how my radio waves are tuned in. 

But reading one more book of the erudition of Spinoza’s ethics, (which is really just a way for him to hide his atheism) and Augustine’s Confessions (really next time keep it to yourself – its done so much damage just because you had to justify leaving the woman you loved and your son at your mother’s insistence to marry for position and power and that led to ongoing misogyny within the church) or even new challenging perspectives on the Scriptures (How long has it been and we still have not figured out “thou shall not kill” – its pretty simple) will make me catatonic. 

No I want to read a simple poem, see a beautiful flower, pet my cat (I really need to get a dog), roll on the floor with my grandchild, watch the sunset and hopefully rise the next day. This is my theology – Life and living it. (and of course writing and talking about it). Thanks for reading and listening to me. 

Mindful Meandering at the Institute

I have been given a chance to see the impermanence of things and that the changing of life is possible. I feel I have seen a blip in the Matrix. I have walked these halls of the Innisbrook resort before. Then it was business and golf. Now it is with ministerial collegiality and learning. As I see the old white golf members with leathery skin sitting around drinking scotch and talking about their golf game and business deals,  I see the direction I was headed in life and the direction I once wanted in life. Now here I sit in this same place, same building but with different people and a different life. A life that might not have been. I have been given a chance to see a different me, one made possible by opening my heart. Everything is the same but me and the people I surround myself with. And that has made all the difference. Who can say what was right? Perhaps I should have just gone on to make a lot of money and donate it to my Congregation?  Who can say which would have helped more. So I let it go. We make our choices and we live with the consequences, both good and bad. In truth I was always terrible at golf and I don’t drink anymore. Now, I listen, learn, love and try to share what wisdom I have found/find in this world with others. It is a new fuller life, one that might not have been if not for Unitarian Universalism.

Meannderings on Retreat - What day is it?

After 4 days of meditating, reading, reflecting and writing it is easy to lose track of time. And yet although I lose track of time, or maybe because of it, I find myself. In the opening session of the program “Great Courage and Great Compassion, Living Dying and Freedom” we were asked the question “When have you turned away from life? How did it help you, how did it hurt you?  I thought it a profound question.  I usually talk about the choices we make. So the choice to turn towards something. Yet inherent in that, is a choice we did not make, the road not taken. I thought it was a good question to ask, and I encourage all to explore that question. Even it is painful. Just not while you are driving. I am so happy to be at this Zen Monastery letting it all in, in a supportive, loving and contemplative environment.

Meanderings on Retreat - Day 3 - going deeper

As I walk the labyrinth a second day, the grass and the flowers are my friends not my impediments. They are wonders of beauty to look at and it is their home much more than it is mine. I become aware of each flower and fauna  I watch as the resident butterfly checks me out. It flys away just as I reach it. It transforms itself to look like a stick. I see where it hides and when I reach it, it circles me once and flys away. It is waiting for me as I come out of the labyrinth. Letting me get closer than it ever did before, before unfolding in its dance of flight.  Usually when I walk the labyrinth, the deep questions and answers come. This time, just the peace of experiencing the world around me engulfed me.  No worries about the future, or reconciling the past, just peace in that moment, peace in every moment. That is my vision. Interesting to think about having a vision of the present moment.  

Frank Ostaseski from the Metta Institute gave a Dharma Talk last night and his topic was the spiritual byway.  How we sometimes use spiritual practice to avoid dealing with underlying issues that challenge us.  That we need to explore all the aspects of our feelings even the negative ones.  To become friends with our negative emotions to better understand them and to just be with them.   We should shift our focus away from the object of our negative feeling (I am angry at someone) and focus on the feeling (why does this create anger in me). Sit with the feeling, don’t repress it.   Let it all in. Although not necessarily to let it all out. It is important to understand our boundaries and that they are permeable. There is a time and place for what and how we express our feelings to others. I also loved Joan Halifax’s comment  “Just continue to show up dammit” That is how change happens by continuing to show up even when it is hard, even when it feels hopeless, even when you want to give up. Continue to show up with all of you and full of compassion. That is the only way to affect lasting chan

Meanderings on Retreat Day 2 - Settling In.

January 28th
So I think it shows that sometimes you just have to ask for what you need. There is wi-fi, I just didn’t look in the right place. So now that I have it, I am not sure that I want to use it!!  Not.  Meditation this morning was deep, as deep as I have experienced in a while.  Part of it is the setting.  A very reverential zendo just for the purpose of meditating. It is why I like to meditate in the sanctuary. It is a place of reverence.  Meditating with people who have a deep commitment to it also I think lends an gravity to the moment.  I will need to ask for a chair as my knees just cannot hold up for the whole week.

I found out they had a labyrinth and walked it this morning. Always a powerful experience for me.  This one they have let the grass grow up throughout it, so in some places it is not so easy to see which direction to turn.  It is interesting to think about having to look down right in front of you and look carefully with each step that you take.  Sometimes on other more cleared labyrinths you can look ahead and see which way the trail turns.  It is interesting to think about that in relationship with our vision for the future.  Sometimes it is easy to look ahead and see which way to go.  Sometimes though you have to put one foot in front of the other and trust that the path is laid out correctly. And when there is a sudden turn you must have your head down looking for it and see it and turn or you will trip. Always a good lesson.

In the afternoon Zazen sitting, we faced the wall. This is one difference in Soto Zen vs. Vipassana or Thich Naht Han Mindfulness Meditation.  On the one hand I feel more of a connection with others if we are all facing each other.  On the other hand, well I am not so sure about the other hand. (Tevya where are you) I think on the other hand, I am less self conscious facing the wall, for I know if someone else looks, they will not see my imperfect form (Soto Zen is much more into form than Vispassana and I want to respectful to the setting I am in).   So being less self conscious (not that I REALLY am, just hypothesizing) it allows me to go deeper. That’s all I got?

 I am doing more meditation in a condensed time than I normally do.  The sitting is about 40 minutes.  I normally sit 30 minutes in the morning myself, and in our Sangha, we have two 20 minute sits. I liked sitting for the longer time period. It gave me some time to settle in.  Plus it was also good not being the leader of the group.  I enjoyed being able to just let that go. Yes, letting go into emptiness,a key message of Zen.


July 29th

Now on my second full day here, I am feeling quite relaxed and peaceful. It took 2 days to shed the weight of my  world off my mind.  I am not worried about what happened yesterday, or what might happen tomorrow or even next week when I return, but I am here very present in the moment, just writing and reading and contemplating life. It is a simple existence here.  Life here is built to be simple. I like it. I don’t even miss tv. (Although I admit, I checked the score of the Mets game on my phone). When things are simple it is easier to see what is real, what is important and what is imagination run amok. The real question is how long can I maintain this feeling when I am back from retreat. It will require the discipline of practice every day.  It is a way of life I strive to live (of course we shouldn’t strive in Buddhist thought). So day by day, one foot in front of the other.

Meanderings on Retreat - "Train Train Running All Night Long"

Riding on the train. It is like watching a nature film from the train window. Different animals, different landscapes. Illinois , Iowa  and Missouri with its flat  lands and rolling hills  of vegetation. Colorado, with it wondrous  mountains,New Mexico with lower mountains but weaving riverbeds sometimes flowing sometimes dried out.  A lot of land throughout the country just unused, and maybe unusable. What I liked best about being on the train was meeting other people.  A family whose son has obsessions with trains (I learned a lot about trains and schedules and how late each train was);  A young girl from a small town in Missouri traveling to Los Angeles, California for the first time  to spend the summer with her father and thinking about what she wants to do with her future; a young adult from Missouri who spent his first week in the big city of Chicago and now on his way home; a Native American family traveling to their ancestral home for their annual gathering and dance; and lots and lots of boy scouts!!  The diversity and openness of people on the train reminds me of how people can be in community.  When we come together all of us different, we find a way to be together in harmony.  It is when we separate ourselves into our enclaves and limit our interactions that we learn to distant ourselves from the humanity of every person. Roll on Train.

At Upaya – as with most Zen Centers, there is no wifi, or even any cell service. There is no air conditioning. There is never enough draw space for all one’s clothing. Sharing a room is never really comfortable either. But I guess that is the point.  To not be comfortable. To find out what we need vs. what we want. To get to the core of what it is underneath that ails us. To find the peace within, that doesn’t need amenities to satisfy us.

I used Uber for the first time tonight. I walked into town – about 3 miles. I took the scenic route – a path along the river. It was nice to walk in the woods again, to be with nature. Even the couple of wrong turns I took, brought me to the rushing river, and I could revel in it flowing nature.  I had to walk over a couple of wooden/log bridges on the trek. Nothing really to worry about, but it was the concept of being suspended over the river. Not really knowing where I was going, (someone said, just follow the path by the river) but trusting that I would find my way.  And I did. But I did use Uber to come back. It was pretty cool. Quick service and there were not any other cabs to be seen. (just in case I was feeling guilty about busting the cabbie union).

I am not sure what it is that I hope to achieve this week. Just to explore, to center myself, to recapture and release the compassion and passion within me.  To remember who I am and why I am doing what I am doing.  I can and do this consistently throughout the year wherever I am, but coming here is an intentional recharging of my  soul.

A Lament for Racial Justice

I have been out of the pulpit the past two weeks, and there have been some deep sorrows in the larger world, and I am sorry I was not here to speak about it.  There have been multiple instances where people of color have been killed by white police officers without repercussion.   I feel a deep sorrow for  Michael Brown and his family who was shot dead in the street in Ferguson Mo.  I have a deep sorrow for the loss of 12 year old Tamar Rice in Cleveland who while playing with a toy gun, was shot by a policeman within two seconds upon that officer’s arrival on the scene.  Clearly a preventable death based on fear. 

Lastly the most blatant, this week authorities in New York, did not press charges in the death of Eric Garner, which was filmed, and from the video clear, that he was attacked by police using an illegal chokehold. Again, certainly a preventable death. The truth is there are many many many more, but these are just the most egregious that make the news.I am not here today to argue the facts of each of these cases, some are complex, some seem more simple to me, and I will talk more about theses issues and the issue of systemic racism in January. 

Today though,  I am here to share a lament with you.

I lament for the lives that were cut short needlessly,

I lament for a government that feels the best way to work with the community is to become a

            police state with military weapons.  

I lament a system that lacks transparency and accountability. For this there is a deep sorrow in

            the loss of our freedoms in light of all these tactics.   

I lament a system that starts with the assumption of fear and guilt upon meeting people of color.  
I lament the system where poor people are in an environment that offers few opportunities.

I lament the system that in light of all of this, continues to gut public education which will allow

            even less opportunity.

I lament the system that sometimes leaves no other recourse but violence.  Martin Luther King wrote “When there is a rock hard intransigence or sophisticated manipulation that mocks the empty handed petitioner, rage replaces reasons”  

Now I grew up in a neighborhood in New York City which police officer’s lived and it was a very racially charged environment.  Most of the officers I knew were good people trying to do a difficult dangerous job as best as they could. When my neighbors house was being robbed in the middle of the day, I was right outside when the robber tried to escape, so we put out a call in the neighborhood, Soon doors in the neighborhood opened and officers came running,  chasing and capturing the intruder.  I remember this clear as day from my childhood.  Parents telling us to get inside, as we continued to chase the robber around the neighborhood through back yards and fences. In fact, the police saved the intruders’ life at the hands of my neighbor who was more than a little pissed off when he caught him.  So I am not here to vilify police officers. There are many many good caring police officers.  But that does not excuse bad policing when it happens. And I can tell you that throughout our country many people of color do not feel safe and secure when they encounter police.

I have a deep sorrow, a sorrow for our country that seems to be waking up to the disparity of power and wealth and opportunity, and instead of seeking justice, many in our country continue to live in fear and impose oppression against that which they fear. Now I know the Quad Cities is not New York, Cleveland, or St. Louis. I think that’s why many of us like it here.  But we are not without our own  faults.  I encourage you to read the profiling report compiled by the Davenport Civil Rights Commission.  We must remember what affects the world affects us. Let us not blind ourselves to world around us.  We as a nation have deep wounds that still needs to be healed,

it is the wound of slavery,

the wound of Jim Crow,

the wound of discrimination,

the wound of racial profiling

the wound of consistent harassment of people of color,

the wound  of the school to prison pipeline,

the wound of poverty,

it is an open wound of ongoing racism that has become systemic in our society, and if we do not heal this wound, if we do not heal each other, that wound will fester and grow, and destroy us all.  We can not hide from this. Let us continue to educate ourselves, let us continually listen to what our brothers and sisters of color have to say about the circumstances of their lives, which trust me, most of us cannot even imagine, And let us be allies to people of color in their struggle for peace liberty and justice. 

Coming Home Again

When I was a teenager, and would be out at night, I often had to walk long ways to get home.  I remember the comforting feeling the closer I got to home.  Just knowing that I was coming home, out of the cold, away from potential danger, into the warmth, into safety, was comforting. I read somewhere selling and buying a home are in the top ten stressful events of one’s lifetime. I can understand that. I am doing both right now, and I am working at being calm and not getting attached to outcomes.  I know that I am blessed to be even able to have a home, when so many are homeless, and when so many cannot afford a down payment for a home.  I have lived long enough now to experience two housing bubbles and the bursting of those bubbles.  Housing markets can be fickle. One lesson I have learned is to be sure you enjoy living where you live. Houses have a history, and we create history in our houses. But as society has become more transient, as jobs are less secure and as housing markets ebb and flow I have learned not to become too attached to a house, but to the people within it and the memories we make in the house. The house I owned in Florida was the longest I had ever lived in one house, other than my parent’s house which I grew up in.  We experienced my children’s adolescence, and to some degree their independence within its walls. I have very fond memories of this house.  Sitting by the pool, barbequing, (I have to admit it is harder to barbeque tofu and salmon then hamburgers and ribs, but it works and my cholesterol is the better for it.) watching my children and then later my granddaughter play in the pool.  Our house always tended to be the house where all my children’s friends would congregate.  I was happy with this because then I knew where my children were. (my parents never knew where I was.) I wrote many a seminary paper sitting at my kitchen table with earplugs in my ears to help me concentrate with all the activity going on in the house.  As with houses, relationships and Congregations, as the book of Ecclesiastes says “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven”. So it is time to move on from the house in Florida both mentally and physically.   Although I have been here for two years, and completely present to my ministry, I have to admit that it has been a hardship being separated from my family.  I am happy to announce that we received an offer on our Florida house (we still need to close – I will accept prayers and crossed fingers) and my wife Jan (and maybe even my younger son Kyle) will be moving to Iowa this summer.  She will visiting in July as we look for a new home to start making new memories in.  It feels like yet another new beginning for me.  It feels like coming home again.  

Who's Got Next?

From the Heart of the Minister – January 2013   Who’s Got Next?

I often like to say that everything I learned, I learned on the schoolyard.  That is of course a bit of an exaggeration. However I learned many core values through those experiences.  I was not very athletic as a youth, but after school the main activity that my friends and I participated in was playing sports in the schoolyard.  When we would play basketball, two captains were picked and then they would each choose 4 other players. Often I was the tenth person picked or if there were more than 10 people, and if I wasn’t picked, I would shout “next”, meaning I would be the captain of the next team to choose four players and play the winning team.  And thus the last became the first.  The lesson I learned was patience, and by watching others play I learned the ability to spot talented players to choose for my team.  When the game was over someone would shout “Who’s Got Next”

It never bothered me if I wasn’t chosen, as I knew I would get a chance to participate.  I knew I wasn’t as good a shooter as the other players in the schoolyard.  But when I got on the court, I was tenacious, playing full court defense, and using every ounce of ability I had.  I learned the value of hard work. I learned the value of teamwork by learning how to pass the ball to others who were better shooters.  I learned the value of both humility and perseverance when I would drive to the basket and take a hard foul, and get back up and keep going.  It taught me when you are in the mix of things, sometimes it isn’t easy.  It also taught me to stay engaged even when things didn’t go my way.  The most important lesson I learned was not only to understand what my limits were but that my limits could grow over time.  I knew I would never be a great basketball player.  What I learned was playing with other more talented players made me a better player, and that I could win by just playing my part.

I took this wisdom into the world with me as I helped build organizations.  Any organization is only as good as the people participating in it.  Some individual’s talents are more suited to different areas but everyone is welcome to try something new as a way to learn and grow.  I found that for an organization to be successful,  all the people involved needed to work together, making each other better, and keeping the focus of the organization on its mission and vision. 

First and foremost, I want to take this space to thank our paid staff for everything  they do and to let them know how much I appreciate their hard work.    As well  I want to thank all the volunteers  who without which this Congregation could not function in the manner that it does. Even when I forget to plan for something, I know people will jump in and help.   For years, we have had many of the same people doing a tremendous amount of the volunteer work.   We have worked hard this past year to encourage newer and different members to participate in various volunteer opportunities.  I am grateful for the many who have answered that call.   For those who have been sitting on the sidelines, now is the time to step forward. We need you.  For those who have questions about how things work and how to get involved, now is the time to ask.  Your participation in Congregational Life will impact in a positive way your experience in helping build this beloved community.  In order to sustain and continue to add more programs, to have our message reach others who desperately need to hear it, and to have our values impact the larger community,  we need everybody to participate in whatever part you can play.  So I have one question: Who’s Got Next?

My thoughts on the Tim Tebow Phenomenon

A recent article in the New York Times entitled "Tim Tebow’s Gospel of Optimism"  http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/11/opinion/sunday/bruni-tim-tebows-gospel-of-optimism.html  and the response to it, has really forced me to go deep about my feelings about the Tebow situation and evangelicalism in general.  So here are the facts. His team was losing when he took over, and they are winning when he became the starter. With the exception of Green Bay, the quality of the teams they were playing at the beginning of the year were the same as after he became starter.  The facts that his stats are not good doesn’t interest me.  I have often said, “stats are for losers.”  Results are what matters, but even more so than results are how we relate to others, are we taking right actions in our professions.  I think Tim Tebow scores well in both of these areas.  Now I have to say that not being a big college football fan and living in Central Florida during the Tim Tebow era, his followers and supporters can be insufferable for their god like praise of him.  It may be deserved, but that doesn’t make it any less annoying to a non college football fan.  But now he is in the pros, and even thought he beat my Jets, and he often wins in unorthodox fashion, I have to say I actually looked forward to watching the game last Sunday against the Bears to see how it would turn out.  I have to respect the way he handles himself on and off the field, his competitiveness, his optimism, and his wins (although for all you conspiracy theorist, do we really believe that no offensive lineman on Denver held opponents the whole game vs. the Bears).  So as far as football goes, I am glad Tebow is playing and winning. I don’t know if it will last.  All I know is that it is fun to watch and it makes for good entertainment (which let us remember is what football is)

It is how Tebow handles himself off the field though that seems to bother more people, and I admit that I have had to reflect on why that is.  On the one hand, every interview I have seen of him, he seems like a likable guy, with a good sense of humor, and a deep faith.  I am not opposed to someone with a deep faith. He speaks to his faith, and how it has helped him throughout his life achieve what he has, and he gives credit to God for all his success.  Again, I would hope everyone’s faith could provide that for them.  I haven’t heard him say that God is causing the Broncos to win, but rather his beliefs and belief in God allows him to do his best and gives him resiliency and optimism in all that he does.    Again giving ones all, having resiliency and optimism are all good things.  I think it is important to note these traits can be obtained in ways other than the Christian Faith, but if that is what creates it for Tebow good for him.  If we don’t believe something is possible, then it more than likely it will never happen, or we will not even  attempt it. Optimism doesn’t mean we should be naïve, and cant be realistic.  (So I hope Tebow works on his throwing motion and practices more with his receivers)   Yes, Tebow’s success (as the author points to) goes against conventional wisdom and even logic.  But we can learn something from that.  I often have values that lead me in directions that others would consider illogical.  Yet internally they create a wholeness within me and my relation to the universe.

The thing I struggle with in this story though is the exclusivism.  The article states that Tebow has said that heaven is reserved for devout Christians.  I have never heard Tebow say this, although it is something I have heard many evangelicals say.  When people do say this I often ask them if they believe that Ghandi or the Dali Lama (clearly holy people) are not going to heaven?  Some say they are not, and some do religious gymnastics and say, that even if they don’t profess it, somehow, the spirit of Jesus is within them.  My religious beliefs lead me to accept the right of others to believe differently than I do.  I try to inform others about my religion as well, as it has helped me transform my life and helps me lead my life in accordance with my values. Due to this, I do not object to Tebow sharing his beliefs. (Are there any Unitarian Professional Athletes though)   So I guess the thing that I struggle with is do I have to accept someone whose beliefs are, that due to my beliefs I am going to hell. This exclusivism leads some Christians to cause others (even in their own religion)  extreme pain.  So I must stand up and speak truth when people of any religion use their religion to cause others pain.  I cant control what others think, but I can control how I think, and how I act towards others. 

I recently read a quote/poem by Edwin Markham in Eboo Patel’s book Acts of Faith which was

            “He drew a circle that shut me out

            Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout,

            But love and I had the wit to win

            We drew a circle that took him in!”

So in addition to optimism, I will preach the gospel of love, love even for those whose beliefs are different than mine. I hope Tebow does well, and gives all underdogs in the world a reason to believe.  But if Denver faces the Jets again in the playoffs, I will be rooting against Tebow.

A Government, by of and for the people - my thoughts on the occupy movment

I have been thinking deeply about the Occupy Movement.  I have committed to attend the event in Davenport next Saturday (22^nd) to add my support.  I was curious when the movement started, and then surprised when I saw that it lasted as long as it did in New York.  I was astonished to see how quickly it spread. It is heartening to see the young people of this country become engaged.   I hope that the Occupy movement is not completely coopted by but rather integrated with other activist movements . 

I am not sure what the 1% slogan means.  I know it is a symbol for those in power, for the wealthy.  The average income of the top 1% of the people in this country is over 1 million dollars a year.  Is that what this movement is about?  I have had numerous discussions with family and friends about just what is middle class?  I have discussions with people who make over 100k a year who truly believe that they are middle class.  So that will be a discussion for another day.  My point is, where do you draw the line.  Does someone making 900k fit into the 99% Are we talking about lifestyle excess? Are we talking about lack of opportunity for all? Are we talking about our lack of ability to control our own fate? Are we talking about rage against a rigged system?  Or possibly all of the above?

I see a demonizing of business and businesspeople. Not all business are evil. Capitalism has often provided the incentive for tremendous creativity and invention.  On the whole businesspeople do not see themselves as evil.  Investors have risked capital and want to reap the rewards of that risk. They see themselves as playing by the rules of a game, and they are the best at playing the game.  I think that is the point.  The problem as I see it is that we have gotten to the point where the business people are writing the rules to the games so as to create a rigged game. 

As Theodore Parker, a Unitarian Minister in the 19^th century said:

“The idea that all men people have unalienable rights; that in respect thereof, all men people are created equal; and that government is to be established and sustained for the purpose of giving every man person an opportunity for the enjoyment and development of all these unalienable rights. This idea demands, as the proximate organization thereof, a democracy, , a democracy, that is, a government of all the people, by all the people, for all the people; 

I do believe there is a purpose for responsible business.  The goal of most investors though is to maximize profits. This however must be balanced by the common good of society.  Business has shown it has the inability to regulate itself. Therefore the only recourse for the citizens is for the government to be a counter measure of business so as to protect the citizens from the excesses of business.  The pendulum in this country has continued to swing back and forth throughout its history.  We never seem to find a balance. It just keeps swinging from one extreme of business run rampant (child labor, unsafe working conditions, no concern for the environment, etc.) to regulations that have diminished business’ creativity and inventiveness.  We need to find a balance.  A balance where the workers rights and rewards and the needs of the greater society are balanced against and linked to the investors risks and rewards.  In our current climate of fear and recession, business’  are using this as an opportunity to take advantage of the workers and taxpayers of this country. 

What must be done?

I think first and foremost we need to repeal the Citizen’s United decision. Corporations are not people. They do not have the same goals or ends as the citizens of this country and thus they should not have the same rights as citizens.  The rage that I sense within the Occupy movement is that Business is controlling the government.  Business has rigged the system in their favor.  This has been exacerbated by the unlimited funding of political campaigns by business. We need to get business out of the business of choosing government officials. Secondly we have to enact some lasting campaign reform and term limits for government officials to obviate entrenched special interests. 

If we are to survive and stay strong as a country, we need to avoid excesses and find balance.  The pendulum has swung too far.  The Occupy movement is the step to bring us back into balance. This is why I will support the Occupy movement. A Government, by of and for the people, not a government by of and for the corporation. 

Yom Kippur Service

I went to Yom Kippur Kol Nidre Service last night for the first time in 35 years.  I attended at the reform temple here in Davenport, Ia.  I had met the Rabbi a number times at inter-faith meetings.  I don’t know why I attended.  The last time I went to any Jewish service was about 7 years ago when in Orlando the reform temple was having a Kaballah service.  I had been reading about Kaballah and wondered what a service would be like.  The service was mostly singing in Hebrew, and the people were generally unwelcoming to me as a guest. The last time I went to Kol Nidre service I was 18 or so. I had not been to Temple in a few years and out of respect to my parents I decided at the last minute to attend.  I did not have a ticket though, and asked to be let in. They did not turn me away, but the Rabbi, at the beginning of the service made a point to comment sarcastically how many people just show up at the last minute without a ticket and expect to be let in.  I didn’t let the door hit me on the way out. I have talked to other Rabbis over the years and they often have this same disdainful attitude toward unpaid visitors.   Now 35 years later, here I am again, an unpaid visitor, who at the last minute decided to go to services.  Some observations follow:

• ·         There was a police officer at the entryway.  A reminder that I am not in New York anymore and that Jewish people are in a deep minority here which I assume creates some fear.
• ·         No one asked if I had a ticket. (I did call in advance and ask if visitors were welcome)
• ·         The people in general were friendly and welcoming and willing to strike up a conversation.
• ·         They service book is now written left to right as opposed to right to left when I last went.  I actually do think going from right to left in some way helps train the brain differently.
• ·         There is at least an attempt for some inclusive language in the prayer book compared to how I remember it as a youth
• ·         There is little transliteration of Hebrew to English in the prayer book, so if you cannot read Hebrew (which I don’t anymore) you cant follow along
• ·         There seemed to be a lot more Hebrew in the service than I remember (this could be my memory)
• ·         The s have become t at the end of many Hebrew words
• ·         Chants of prayers had different tunes than I remembered (not unusual or surprised by this)
• ·         There were some prayers and songs that I still remember by heart from when I was 17 years old.
• ·         The sermon was excellent, much better than I remember ever hearing as a youth.  This probably has more to do with age, and where I am in my spiritual life than anything else. But the sermon was one that I think could easily have been given in a Unitarian Universalist congregation and was very relevant and moving.  The sermon also included a guided meditation which was excellent.  It was clear that the congregation was uncomfortable with the guided meditation, but I found it powerful.
• ·         There was a lot of talk about God. I understand this due to the theology, but it was ongoing and unending.  Rarely using the word God in Unitarian services made hearing it constantly somewhat unusual.  In some ways by constantly using and repeating the word, seemed to minimize the meaning of the word for me. Further reflection needed on this topic for me.
• ·         There were words used like grace, and holy spirit that I had always thought of as specifically Christian that were used in the liturgy.
• ·         I was a little surprised by a lack of reverence by the attendees.  Maybe I am remembering this with a child’s memory, but this was always a serious time in my family. Last night,  throughout the service, people were chatting, and a few even walked out early. I tried to imagine they were ill and had to go to the hospital.  I could never imagine leaving a Kol Nidre service early except for something that extreme.
• ·         There was a hauntingly beautiful cello performance of Kol Nidre.

 Overall it was a good experience.  Some of the readings were powerful.  There were many readings that included calls for justice.  However the reality is that the theology still doesn’t resonate with me. It never did.